the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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