So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
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