Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
