So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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