Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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