He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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