we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
