her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
