I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
