I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
