I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
