Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
