Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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