so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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