I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
