Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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