Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Randomize
