He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
