i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
