I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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