Already got asked if we're dating
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
