Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
