it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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