You can't motorboat a personality
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
