i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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