am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
