you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
