I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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