I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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