a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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