I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
