A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
