I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
