I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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