your parents love me but you hate me
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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