ya dads aren't the best wingmen
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
