Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Randomize
