i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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