Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
