you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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