i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
