Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
