All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
