Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
