Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Randomize
