My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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