when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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