Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
