Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
