Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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