May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
