Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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