she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
