if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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