i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
