Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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