the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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