I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
