Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
