none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
