I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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