I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
